Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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