I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We're using joints as your birthday candles
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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