I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
