Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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