Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
