I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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