How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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