the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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