it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
