Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
