my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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