We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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