when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
