Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
