Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
