He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
