I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
