Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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