I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Let's get the cat blown out
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
