i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
