apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
