i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
