I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
