stop calling my apartment porn island.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
