he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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