Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
