he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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