alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
