he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
