so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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