blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
