I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
