Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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