grandma shit on top of the toilet
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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