Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
