at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
