he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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