Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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