there's paper in my vomit.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
