I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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