Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
