I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
