We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
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she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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