Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
