I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
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Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
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I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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