I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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