I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
