T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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