I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
