Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
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I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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