But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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