Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
