he wants to bone in the snuggie
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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