Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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