Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
