i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
