I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
