Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
