Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
