dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
